Freakish Sisters Hate Cephalopods

By Mike Maihack, from Dani Jones' webcomic My Sister, the Freak.

Review: Camouflage, by Joe Haldeman

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I don't finish a lot of novels. I follow Bookgasm's Hundred-Page-Rule that states, "If a book's not good by page one-hundred, stop reading it." In fact, I've modified it into my own, even more hardcore version: "If by page one-hundred you can stop reading; do." That keeps me from debating whether or not a book is "good." The standard isn't technical quality; it's whether or not I can put it down. So on the rare occasions that I do finish a book, it's because it's really damn compelling. Camouflage is that kind of book.

I picked it up because there's an undersea angle. In prehistoric times, a spacecraft crashes into what will eventually become the Pacific Ocean and settles on the seabed. A lifeform leaves the craft and we're told that it's from a planet so volatile and forever quick-changing that the inhabitants have learned to evolve just as quickly. In effect, they've become immortal, because they can transform themselves into whatever it takes to survive whatever they encounter. This particular specimen spends its first million or so years on Earth as an undefined sea monster, eventually transforming itself into a shark and then a killer whale (basically whatever's at the top of the local ecosystem's food chain) as it discovers those species. When it encounters humans, it decides to become one of those.

Alongside this plotline is a separate one that begins in the year 2019 when scientists discover the craft and attempt to raise it and then study it. The leader of the project is a grizzled, former Navy admiral named Jack Halliburton, but the main character in these sections is Russell Sutton, the marine engineer whom Halliburton hires to oversee the project. Other characters come along as the project develops, including a NASA scientist named Jan whom I couldn't help but imagine as Helen Mirren. These sections - with their enjoyable banter and hints at a romantic triangle between the three main characters - ground the novel and gave me some likable people to relate to. Which was very important early on as the alien - Haldeman calls it "the changeling" - learns to become human in its own story.

As enjoyable as the science project plot is, the changeling's story is the fascinating one. It comes ashore in 1931, more or less human in form, but with all the moral development of a great white shark. It's tragic then, but not shocking when the changeling's first action on land is to kill a young man and take his identity. Nor is that the last heinous act the changeling will commit as it learns to assimilate into human culture.

What's utterly captivating is the skill with which Haldeman gradually endeared me to this character. He doesn't pull any of the usual, manipulative tricks. In fact, he makes his job harder for himself by refusing to give the changeling a name, consistently referring to it as "it," and continuously putting it into situations that show how inhuman it is. It endures rape dispassionately, for instance. Why wouldn't it? It can feel pain (though it's tolerance for pain is much greater than ours), but doesn't understand emotions like anger or humiliation. Not at first anyway.

Well, not ever, really. But as it continues life amongst humans, switching from one identity to another (some kept for years or decades; others for very short periods of time), it does begin to pick up concepts like compassion and wonders if it will ever understand love. But even then, Haldeman never anthropomorphizes the creature. It's not "becoming human," it's very much alien, but is simply trying to understand the culture in which it's found itself. I sort of fell in love with it, and with Haldeman's unbelievable ability to set up impossible writing challenges and then meet them with such apparent ease.

I've always enjoyed it when authors run parallel, independent stories that are going to meet up eventually. It's a lot of fun to try to anticipate how the pieces fit together and Camouflage is no exception. There's a second immortal character that I haven't mentioned yet - Haldeman calls him the chameleon - who's much more violent and bloodthirsty than the changeling and wants to find others like him only to destroy them. Unfortunately, I figured out how this character fit into the 2019 story fairly easily (although Haldeman did make me question my theory at least once), but that was only a small bit of enjoyment stolen. The final confrontation between changeling and chameleon is exciting and satisfying. 

As remarkable as any other part of the book is the end. I wouldn't dream of spoiling it, because you absolutely need to read it, but Haldeman finishes the story exactly where he needs to and not one second later. It's abrupt, but as I thought about possible ways to make it less so, I realized that it's also perfect. Like the rest of the novel.

10 movies I could take or leave in 2010

The movies in today's list are ones that I generally liked, but wasn't able to get really excited about for various reasons.

Number 30



I like Thomas Haden Church and Elisabeth Shue and the premise of Don McKay grabbed me. Church plays a lonely, high school janitor who gets an unexpected letter from his own high school sweetheart (Shue) asking him to come home. She's dying and wants a second chance at their relationship before she goes. When he gets there though, he finds his true love surrounded by a creepy caregiver, an even creepier doctor, and an awful aura of Something's Not Right Here. It's a great setup and while the movie's focusing on Don and his loneliness and teasing the mystery, it's good stuff. Unfortunately, once it reveals what's going on, the movie gets a bit nuts and hard to connect to.

Number 29



It's Green Zone's marketers fault that I was in the mood for another Bourne movie when I saw this, but even had I been fully on board with the different tone, the preachiness of the film would've been enough to keep me from fully embracing it. I really like the character of Freddy (Khalid Abdalla) though and the perspective he gives to the differences between American and person-on-the-street Iraqi interests in that country. That alone made the movie worthwhile for me.


Number 28



When this was first announced, I was thrilled. The original Wolf Man is one of my favorite Universal monster movies and I thought it was a great idea to remake it with new effects as long as they kept the story intact. Especially with an actor as great as Benicio Del Toro playing Larry Talbot.

Then came the reports of multiple directors and mid-shooting rewrites and re-shoots and re-edits and the whole thing sounded like a complete mess. And after that came the trailer with the Wolf Man tearing through London and all sorts of other things that didn't belong in a faithful remake and I gave up hope of ever enjoying the film.

To my surprise, it wasn't awful. It wasn't the loving homage to the original that I'd hoped for, but taken as its own thing, it held together and wasn't the complete train wreck that I'd come to fear.

Number 27



Not a great or original movie, but exactly what it needed to be: a fun warm-up act to The A-Team.

Number 26



Much much better than Predator 2 or either AVP movie. For a while there, I was thinking that I'd like it as much as the original, but a couple of things ruined that. Laurence Fishburne's character doesn't make a lot of sense, for one, but his actions are 100x more logical than the "twist" ending.

Number 25



A really fine noir movie about a man who'll do whatever it takes - however dark - to achieve his goals. The only reason it's not higher on the list is that Mel Gibson skeeves me out.

Number 24



I've already written about my major problems with Dawn Treader. But it is an adaptation of my favorite Narnia book and for the things that it does copy accurately from the novel, I can't dislike it. Still, it's a major disappointment to have it this far down the list.

Number 23



This was a very good first two-thirds of a story. Angelina Jolie is my favorite action hero right now, I just wish the movie had an ending. I understand that the Blu-Ray release has some additional scenes that help with that, but that's cheating.

Number 22



I had a lot of fun at this movie, but it wasn't as epically full of epic epicness as the poster promised. Unless of course "epic" just means "good" as often seems the case, but I've promised myself not to use it that way. Anyway, it could've used more.

Number 21



This was actually three different movies, all of which I thoroughly enjoyed. I wish it would've been just one movie though. Or three episodes of a TV show. I think I would've enjoyed that more.

12 movies I hated in 2010

They say that every cloud has a silver lining. If that's true, the silver linings in these storm clouds were bolts of lightning about to strike the tree I was standing under. From worst to...well, "best" doesn't seem like the appropriate word, but "least worst" maybe:

Number 52



I wrote a full review for the Kill All Monsters! blog, but the short version is that Skyline had no story. It was an idea for a story, but it went nowhere and ended at what should have been the movie's halfway point. Horrible.

Number 51



The movie that proved that M Night Shyamalan is so far gone that he doesn't even have to direct the movie for it to suck. Devil didn't make any sense and replaced Plot and Character Motivation with things like Fate and Whatever Shyamalan Decided to Pull Out of His Butt.


Number 50



Better than Devil only because Shyamalan started with something wonderful. But he managed to suck every bit of joy out of it, even going as far as taking one of the most positive, fun-loving characters ever created and turning him into a mopey downer, while also inexplicably mispronouncing his name.

Number 49



"The three of us have to go to Hades to rescue my mom, but first we have to find three magic items that will each let one of us escape once we get there. No, no, don't even think about the math. We can figure that out once we're in the underworld and have no other way of getting out. I'm sure it'll be fine."

Number 48



I love Peter Jackson, but how can anyone manage to make a movie about a child murderer that doesn't make you feel anything about what's going on?

Number 47



Takes everything awesome about the Jonah Hex concept and throws it out the stagecoach window in favor of making Wild Wild West II.

Number 46



As an amateur theologian, I try not to be too judgmental of movies that get it wrong, but seriously...Legion didn't even try. I need to watch The Prophecy again to cleanse my palate.

Number 45



Man, people love their blue posters, don't they?

My big problem with this one is that it's based entirely on my least-favorite element of vampire mythology: that getting bitten by a vampire automatically turns you into one. I disliked more than just that, but you can read the rest in my review.

Number 44



I love Liam Neeson and Julianne Moore, but Chloe didn't do either of them justice, mostly because Moore and Seyfried's characters don't act in any way resembling real people. Liam's character is fine, but he's really just a plot device.

Number 43



I know a lot of people like this one, but I'm guessing that they tend to like crime movies more than I do. I need a really likable - or at least relatable - character to hook me into a crime drama and He Loves His Girlfriend isn't enough to do that for me. I had a hard time rooting for or caring about anyone in The Town.

Number 42



It set itself up to be so much, but - though it had a moment or two - it was so little. Some of its biggest stars were nothing more than cameos and it unnecessarily used CGI when practical effects were needed. I mean, seriously, how hard is it to light a stuntman on fire that you have to create flames on your computer?

Number 41



Two of my favorite comedians. My least favorite comedy of the year. It made me laugh a couple of times, but that only reminded me of the reaction I should have been having through the rest of the film about unlikable people doing stupid, ridiculous things.

Quote of the Week: Cowboys and Aliens

You want to see the movie just to watch them outscowl each other.
--Paul Chadwick.

Art Show: Avenged by Agents Extraordinary

Mr. Freeze



By Mark Grambau. [Brother Cal]

Rogue



By Terry Moore. [Giant-Size Marvel]

Avengers '52



By Jay Piscopo. [Kirby-Vision]

Inspired by this awesomeness:



Bidi Bidi Bidi



By Mathieu Reynès.

Kill All Monsters!



By Jason Copland. So close to an announcement...

Retro-Robot



By George O'Connor.

That's not a burning bush



By Rosh.

Art Show: Destroy This Mad Brute

Octomaid



By Carla Wyzgala. [Girls Drawing Girls]

The Toronto Roller Derby



By Vince Chui. [Art Jumble]

Black Canary



By Joe Quinones. [Project: Rooftop]

After the break: bats, Snowbird, Frankenstein, Scud the Atomic Hellwretch, DC fliers, Saturn Girl, and a crocodalien.

Bats
 


By Michele Legendre. Lots more cool, handmade plushies at that link, including a wolf-man and Appa from The Last Airbender.

Snowbird



By Jason Copland.

Frankenstein



By Andy Kuhn. [Comic Twart]

Fantastic Four



By Ryan Cody.

Superman with the World's Greatest Flying Heroes



By Neal Adams. [Photon Torpedoes]

'70s Saturn Girl



By Jim Lee. [Photon Torpedoes]

Thule Alien



By Kyle Latino.

Art Show: Tiki Aliens

Pirate



By Michael Koelsch [Swing with Shad]

The Water Babies



By William Heath Robinson. [Golden Age Comic Book Stories]

Ooooh!!



By Eric Tan.

After the break: Sheena, Frankenstein, the Creeper and Zatanna, Thor, a warrior-angel, a giant robot, and all Hell breaks loose in space.

Sheena



By Joe Jusko. [The Comic Book Catacombs]

Frankenstein



By Dan McDaid. [ComicTwart]

Creeper/Zatanna



Cosplayers Unknown. [Monster Donut]

Thor



By Xia Taptara. [Art Jumble]

Black Wing



By Brom. [Golden Age Comic Book Stories]

Hello Kitty Craft



By Robert Ullman.

The End



By Alex Schomburg. [Golden Age Comic Book Stories]